Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Say What?

I'm bad at listening. It's a problem, I know. While some people believe my issues are in the hearing department, I have decided tonight that the real issue lies somewhere between hearing and listening. And then, of course, it totally messes with repeating and telling.

For example, during my formative years, I honestly believed that I could coast through the "L-M-N-O-P" part of the alphabet song without anyone being the wiser that I was actually singing "elelomopee". Like I said, it's a problem.

Not only did I flub the ABC song (much to my present dismay), I actually got in an argument with a friend in eighth grade over the lyrics of the Vanilla Ice classic "Ice Ice Baby". I insisted that he was saying, "Ice ice baby, to hold, to hold" and that he "Flowed like a heartbeat daily and nightly." I still feel shame.

As an adult, I often find myself in auditory limbo. I make people repeat themselves on the phone two and three times even though I swear I'm trying to listen. I will often find myself saying things like "I can't hear your pitch" and asking them "was that even in English?"

The sad thing is, as I was complaining to Joe that he was in the middle of the bed tonight (and therefore in the path of my flailing right arm that has been punching him in the face lately), I found myself jokingly singing "I'm talking to the man in the middle" before I realized that I actually thought those were the words to the song!


Even more pathetic is the fact that my lyrical ineptitude in conjunction with the retardation of my hearing can only work against me from this point on.

First of all, Joe is in the music business. This means that he can know--with a great degree of certainty--when I'm messing up a song. What's worse, thanks to my tendency to overcorrect his grammar, he will definitely call me on it, and laugh at my expense. Which is what happened tonight.

Secondly, I could potentially mess up listening to something really important. For example, when I think I'm hearing Joe say "turn on Fox news now" what he could really be saying is "turn off Fox news now." Or when I hear him tell me "please don't buy any more shoes this month", he's probably really saying "please buy yourself shoes every month."

I shudder to think what I could have allowed to slip by me.

So now the cat's out of the bag, in a manner of speaking. Joe is probably going to read this, and then he will tell me "You even admitted you never hear things right", which I will inevitably hear as "I have to admit you're always right." This reinterpretation will clearly work to his advantage, making me glow, thereby loving him all the more.

And I will live blissfully on.


  1. Really? The man in the middle? MJ fans everywhere are crying.

    I think the more important issue is that Joe's clearly a bed hog. Scott was a bed hog and a mountain climber (he slept on his stomach with one knee bent like he was trying to scale a cliff face). This often led to him kneeing me in the ass in the middle of the night. He would also roll over and steal the pillow from under my head. Two very unpleasant ways to wake up! God, I miss him! lol.

  2. I wish the human hogging was the problem in our bed. I adopted a pet that became my bed buddy before my wonderful man came along. Now that this wonderful man and I share a king sized bed, we are kicked off OUR bed at night by the four legged friend that protects me more than life itself. My dog needs an intervention. If only that would work!! I'm afraid he would eat alive even the best dog whisperer!!